Book One - 2004
January 1st - January 17th Matt Johnson's words of wisdom, Ecclesiasticus's words of wisdom, Janine from Eastenders, Moonraker vs. 2001 A Space Oddity, Yosser Hughes, HRH Jancis, grape vs. hangover, wild boar, Burgundy 2002, the servitude of Robert Joseph's finger,the 75 wine Pinot-thon, the nefarious Brussel Sprout, rain, Sergei Eisenstein does not have insurance, "Ms. Miggins Devonshire Cookies"
January 23rd - February 12th Payday!, yummmy Petrus Tasting, doomed by mydoom, Jordan and Peter André update, encroaching hypothermia, gas panic. Useless New-Age shops, goodfellas in Still Luigi's, vegan femininist commune, the Amazing Disappearing Parcel, the Terminator, warding off hypothermia, population 104, Wai Kiki Moo Kau, DRC ahoy, shrugging shoulders of Parcelforce, my birthday with Lola
February 13th - February 27th Queens of the Stone Age abdicate, tropical fish for Valentine's Day, Thailand to Norfolk and back, the misspelt Barbaresco, Peter Andre, mental decline, the farce that is Royal Tunbridge Wells, ill, the perfection of Tokyo's transport system, Bette Davis regal, Cloud Atlas, Crispy Golden Bakes, the rapid fire Scot, Paradise City ruined, crap wine, disco-tack, the gyrating loins of Mr. Loverman,
February 29th - March 17th Fit Farm, the celestial Celestins '88, dancing on Miles's grave, Trisha, looking for love in all the right places, tongue-piercing...no!, dull adolescent jazz snooze-fest, Wolfman, the moon and sixpence, M&S in Paris,
March 19th - April 4th The SJP apostles, the end of the world is nigh, the collapsing G&T. Calamity Neal, "Stress - An Act in Three Movements", 3,000 viruses, the jobsworth's revenge, Bordeaux primeur, rah-rah skirts at Branaire, the femme fatale from Kazakhstan, lunch at Ducru, financial distress, emergency summit at Burgerking, Frankie.
April 5th - April 17th NEAL IN JAPAN: a brief guide to Japan, meet the family, shabu shabu, Izu-Kogen, hot baths, emotional landladies, Fuji San, beers in Ginza, Japanese electronics, Michael Broadbent tells the rudest joke in the world, business, more business meetings, Ukai-tei, Lost in Ikebukuro, the Japanese and blowing raspberries.
April 20th - May 11th The greatest beef sandwich ever, the wine-professionals' uniform, dinner with Edouard Mouiex, mum's leeks, Mouiex Snr., Geoff Merrill's Grenache Rosé and subsequent memory loss, Frank the stupid dog, I Am Not A Wine-Writer, pesky toilet attendants, KFC at Victoria Station, lunch at Claridges, Muffin RiP., Sport Shop Nightmare (Part 2), Vik's Orange Dinner, The Dears at Metro, Mick Hucknall.
May 14th - June 10th Decanter French Wine Encounter, Twat of the Tasting, Keatsian Andrew Jefford, LWTF, Tomoko est malade, Morrissey=God, Boring FA Cup Final, picnic, Mary and myrrh, Gordon Ramsey, Dylan RiP, the AK-47 almost makes its debut, The Smiths therapy, a weekend break in Ilfracombe, fat men in wet-suits, The Pixies steal the show, the ultimate Pret-a-Manger sandwich, war veterans, "Incapability Neal", mint, Boilerman, Boilerman (Part 2).
June 11th - June 17th Kill Kenada & Co., the vacuum cleaner commits suicide, the bitter pill of defeat, Jean-Claude Van Damme working in a pizza parlour, Bloc Party t-shirt vendors, haiku, Big Brother 5, Clos de los Siete but no Rocher, the beeping Spectrum, John Galliano's apron, Rooney Rules O.K.
June 18th - June 27th katsu curry, saké tasting, tampon from Mr. Sainsbury, Computer In a Coma, Shakespearian tragedy entitled "Life is Not Fair", no autographs please, the secrets of KFC revealed (not), Bluewater/Blockbuster nightmare
June 28th - June 28th Apologies for the delay in transmission, Thai brothel options, rock in the punt, Tomoko says "Hai", the door that separates a lifetime, Dr. O-Ren Ishii makes her formal introduction, Six Million Dollar Bionic Man, the end of an eventful day.
July 2nd - July 16th Damn that man Crowe, damn his!, knitting needles poised, the worst fish 'n chip shop in the world, the heaviest bottle of wine in the world, a surfeit of "aaawwws", how Hadleigh Castle almost poleaxed a budding writing career, toilet-reading material, crime never pays, John...the self-proclaimed chimpanzee, Ricky flies from Albert Square to Bordeaux, beware of the chair, lunch with rams, beer in the Overlook Hotel, all work and no play makes Neal a dull boy, how Big Brother transcends British class structure, Lucy Lui's mother, squatting since the 1980s, orange twat in Harveys, drunk again.
July 18th - August 1st A ridge of Ridge, stink on the way home, the ultimate gay fashion accessory, designer pushchairs, nine baby grows and knitted two cardigans, the unicorn on the 07:59 from West Norwood, torture at the hands of Jay-Z wannabes, does God have snot?, Hospice of Death
August 2nd - August 14th The Bill ad nauseum, language lesson, manful (redux), Jefford on the blower, Room 24, boy-racers in Southend, Mr. Hopwood's Love-Wagon, Dot Cotton of the Wine World, an open-letter to Mr Wasp, first contact, redecorating the bedroom in 10,000 tedious stages, Tomoko becomes a refugee with 300 Snoopys, rent-a-ninja-death-squad, the hara-obi, the peripatetic Pip returns
August 15th - August 21st The freestyler travel system, bullshitters, complicated prams, Andy Dufresne, spatulamancy, Natasha Bedingfield ruins my morning, the wonderful Ritzy, mad bus-driver, trout-suit, the Olympic rower that spurned my advances, why I never married an Olympic rower, silver spoons, Neal at the V Festival (blow by blow), crap weathermen, Neal goes wine tasting during a boring set, we love Goldie Lookin' Chain, hydric stress by noon, Zutons, BDB is in a mood (slight return), camp-attack from the Scissor Sisters, Pixies vs. The Strokes,
August 23rd - September 7th The Venusian forehead, Beaucastel vertical, fission cuisine at the Lunch Bags dinner, Safeways gender realignment, Singing In the Rain, the power of Nickelodeon, prick in the ivy, the slippery slope towards inebriation, Rubber Soul vs. Revolver, a Fonseca world record attempt, bed, roadworks inside my head, a vow of abstinence, abstinence cancelled, Neal finally meets HRH Jancis!
September 8th - September 13th Foetal misbehaviour, fashion tip for our greatest wine scribe, urban decay, Barry: please remember me, Billiondollarbabes, the committee of squirrels, wiggle your hallux, Hitchcock Grey, visit to the Great Bustard, escape from the librarians, "Artwank", the designer-hobo loot, the abandonment of HRH
September 14th - September 30th Routemaster R.i.P., no sign of HRH, the Uzbekistan Pinot Noir Bureau, Cosmetic Surgery Live", messy eaters comme moi-meme, HRH IS ALIVE!, I do, Neal and Tomoko Wed: a "Hello" exclusive, drug-dealers on the early shift, shirt and tie combo packs, gaseous emissions, Alison Moyet, Mick Hucknall and Bryan Adams, ice-creams all round, no warm slippers, the killer cygnets, Jefford begs to differ, menace at Montrose, James Suckling visits Londinium
October 2nd - October 15th Neal monopolizes Monopoly, the wannabe fairy, the aerobic unborn, the great brain drain, crispy duck, mad women and her cohort of pigeons, dilemma apropos porn library, our jigsaw flat, Barossa tasting at BI, the shagtastic car-park at Shoeburyness, Maria: our guide to the womb and beyond, relaxing in all the right places, sommelier badges, the limits of the Rodeoburger
October 16th - October 24th Sven the hippy's new super-cuvée, more Coriander please, 12 identikit trousers from Asda, flat-pack boyfriends, an inopportune TV appearance, Palmer, the 07:59 microwave, Biondi Santi, Daniel Beddingfield, broken vows, Tomoko's R.E.M., SuperBOWL shenanigans, no gimp-suit, dipsomaniacs in Glasgow, Linden's mobile chip shop, Linden survives (just)
October 25th - November 10th Richard & Judy, Alexandre Thienpont... please remember me?, John Peel RiP, Q: Which England international is Tony Adams' son-in-law?, thwarted by the buzzer, the joys of regrouting the bathroom, measures of Yquem, quixotic me, when you make love to your woman, how Robert Parker ruined the terracing of the Douro Valley, Oxo, heroin-eyes, the rose and pumpkin pie, Westlife: can they get any worse?, Abbey: the Westlife of the financial world, the class-war struggle in my kitchen
November 11th - November 29th HRH Jancis plays hard to get, The Wily Ways of WomenL a brief guide to the opposite sex part 1, mental sales assistant at the perambulator emporium, Tomoko`s winter complexion, death on the North Circular, Joel's endoskeleton, Chenobyl meltdown, Reine de Bois vs the Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs, Yum Yum, excretions of bechemal, Wine-Journal: from caterpillar to butterfly, Bordeaux Olympics at La Trouvaille, thwarted Scottish sworddance, Kinky Afro, elephants & castles, Boots, ladies of equal pulchritude, the etiolation of Londoners, disco lights at Kings, flu report, watery pizza, Elysian fields outside Aberdeen, Graham Coxon, tiffs at dawn, the Marquis de Sade's view of pregancy, ventriloquy of the unborn
November 30th - December 12th Eloping with Royalty, curlicues and archipelagos, the edge of life, the stolen Red Bean Muffin, G4 and Steve, lunch with Sven the Hippy, Public Service Announcement: Your Crying Baby, the night of failed hedonism, Frank's impartiality to mushrooms
December 14th - December 23rd Japanese curry, racing through 76 years of Latour, Marta`s English lesson courtesy of BK, The hawkeyed matriarchs of Purley Way; Lec R.i.P; Numidie; Neal lazy Yuletide greetings, ...of chavs and jilbabs; 0-to-6 months; what to buy an unmaterialistic loved one?; parachutes; the perimetre of Xmas shopping; Weebles
December 24th - December 31st altercation on the train; chocolat; the rituals of Martin family Xmas; valium and quaaludes; "The Return of the Legless Turkey"; yuk and yuck; crap TV and home; horror in the Indian Ocean; the worm and the tsunami, a sober end to the year.