Book One - 2005

January 1st - January 13th Fulfilled resolutions?; the strife of the sofa; the den of creativity; missed appointment; the strife of skirt/blouse combinations; smoking parrot, uterine conflagration, the cemented cochlea, Yeading and meanads; Southern Trains' Da Vinci edict; E.M.I.W.; our patience is wearing thin o' little one

January 17th - February 6th. Warm and dark; an invasion of privacy; the solution to all of mankinds problems; electricity and gas off; traffic jam impedes our progress; all closed at Kings; no "CANCEL" button; time=zero; breathing; 3,007 grams of flesh and bone; mankinds problems erased one by one; last thoughts; muconium mess; the cherubic Lily; first aquatic exploration; wine does not exist; please, no more liposuction; Vulcan death grip; dreams of milk; the harlot of Clerkenwell; Substance; expedition to Tesco Metro; connected to "Broadband"; the micturating maestro; sublet to Jemima Puddleduck; restricted mobility; the shambles that is "Catpeople";

February 9th - February 28th. The sepia Lily; the hourglass Austrian; twats on the escalator; young hearts, run free; another year over and what have I done?; crap wine/good wine; love on the rocks; 20 B&H; The Dead 60's and The Tears; more micturating mishaps; uncooperative snow; Artwank; misbehaving vignerons; we luv Haruki Murakami; the short-term memory file; WMD cheese; DNA is an amazing thing; Colonel Sanders

March 1st - March 31st. Calcutta of South London; sorry Matthew Jukes; till tactics at Morrisons; no-show; Lily meets Dot Dowers; checking out Interpol; tasting at the gherkin; Neal Martin is unwell; report from the sanitarium; low-grade battery acid; the worst birthday ever; eat your greens; neal martin is unwell; sleeping beauty; the uselessness of babies; dinner at the Connaught; intra-prandial ablutions; rich in Richmond; the Milano cot-bed; how to make a mint; prematuring hatching of the Easter girls; fecal decimation; bank card calamity (slight return); Michael on the blower; the pontif slips away

April 3rd - April 19th. On our way to en primeur; enter stage right: the Good Bishop Gill; MW bouncers; the touring electric warrior; Gary from "Men Behaving Badly"; Twix for lunch; 4-star at Montrose; Bacchanalian revelry at Saint Julien, the chef made of fois gras; marooned on the Rocade; the "All Bar One" chateau; posh-KFC for dinner; no bonsai at the Bonsai; the Iraqi Minister of Wine; Pin cocktails all round; Bordeaux car-park, we salute you; Bordeaux Rock; strapping lads at Lafleur; monitor or wine?; fecal torpedo; ex on the label, one chord monotony; biodynamic Lalou; the wine merchant from Gulliver's Travels; what on Earth are we talking about?; Lily obtains squatters' rights; meeting at the rectory; marriage blessing of the year; no RSVP

April 23rd - May 31st. decoding the oo's and ah's; big bill; a party political broadcast on behalf of; The Apprentice; decimation of taste buds at the hands of horseradish; the rotating baby surrenders; Stig of the Dump; £1.99 bbq; KFC + VCC = L.O.V.E.; sprigs of mint; where my X goes; return of the latex demon; Lily wees for Sven the hippy; Frank the dogfather; media-whores and Diesel jeans; the ultimate doughnut; curmudgeon at the jewellers; Simons panacotta; get well Kylie; Britney Spears at the London Wine Trade Fair; despicable plotting against HRH; just deserts; KFC galore; coy cutie Lily; superfluous earwax; abraded hallux; the mobile sauna; the fornicating goats of Middle Farm

May 31st - 17th June Colonel Sanders and Gianni Versace; Sweet Home Alabama; the decline of the weatherman; Paul Smith, Bobby Gillespie and I; 3rd World Debt shirt; estranged father in the park (not); Martyn's flurry of hands; faded Bhs boxers; post-Staglin KFC; hejabs at Arrival; curlicued journey back home; measurements of in-law and sofa; protracted douching; parched Oliver Reed; Venusian climes; the hermitic post-office; who the hell is Lucy???; In The Army Now; the insufferable decline of The Grand;


20th June - 17th July Mr Ghandi enjoying a beer; the prancing foals; Lily the pugilist; I do not want, what I have not got; yummy baby rice; who is Rachel Fuller?; womens' volleyball at the White Shelter; terrorist attack in London; me the village idiot; an evening in Babylon; write-off supermarket trolleys; the sheer arrogance of llamas

18th July - 7th August half-year and counting; death of the vinyl junkie; bring back crap buskers; curse of the boilermen; Linden attacked by lawn-mower; how the Scottish kilt rang the death knell for mankind; the monotonous Messiah; pent-up peripateticism; off to the Peaks; the wheels fall off; migraine to end all migraines; Bakewell lives up to its name, the centre of gravity settles

9th August-21st September Attitude of the dental receptionist; empty wine bottles; too many bananas; Hammer's impervious shell; wasting ones life on drum solos; A-Level rant; turn the TV down; La Trompette; the hazardous life of a wine-taster; the ice-maiden at KFC; boilers: the nemesis of my life; little acorn; Lily's first felony at the farm; boiler stress is finally resolved; swimming in the high security prison; ecological armageddon; Mouton vertical with Martin Creed; death by blockbuster; painful three-point turn; posh spa with no wee; Bimboland; jubilation with Horatio Nelson; Control-Alt-Delete; hangover (again); James Suckling's battery pack; Schofield and Hucknall

24th September-28th October Toscana here we come; BA has it in for me; stolen shopping trolley; late arrival; Lily's goes a leaf-thinning; epicures Utopia; no-show at Isole; the Martin family at Fontodi; dog sees us off from Rampolla; hot mug of milk in Siena; bonjour Mr Pasta Man; Lily's artistic contribution to Castello di Ama (inspired by Gilbert & George); raw pork in Dudda; is Lily the cutest she will ever be?; prissy cow at check-in; Petrus tasting; ill (part 353); political pundit on the sofa; titanium baby-cruisers; no funk on the LCD; disturbing recurring nightmares; Tu/Vous; Tootsies Part 2; the joy of Vashti Bunyan; sea breeze at the black cat; rendez-vous with Daphne Broadbent the Mens/Womens?; Kidd at Kilo; losing part of me

29th October-13th November Lord of the manor; Green & Black devoured; history of violence; the lobotomised sommelier; the degeneration of our flat into bachelor pad hell; Hanson vs Dominic (Round 1); epicurean feast chez Hunt; flat for sale; beef in the fridge; Latour/Petrus vertical; beers with the Barossa boys; dad goes clubbing; the gayest cocktail in the world; trip to organic Ealing, Lily Come Home; who the hell are you?

14th November-10th December Sleepless in west norwood; thai transexual volleyball team; back to Italy, killer juggernauts on the Italian highway; minimal sleep; pici part two; desperate drive back to the airport; Lily networks; HRH Jancis: Reality TV Addict; to Maidstone council estate we go; hangover ad infinitum; new elephant in town; inebriated part 4,503; Mephistophelian glares; the llama undesirables

11th December-31st December Radical dental surgery?; lunch with the Staglins; inebriated (again) at a West End club; West Norwood turns French; what to buy for Xmas?; Sex In The City Apartment; tasty Xmas cards; Mr Angry; Five Leaves Left; tripping over Livingstone-Learmonth; hoorah it's Xmas Eve; Quatro, Firetrap and bracelet; animals in exile; "cool dad"; sea-locked appurtenance of Essex; Xmas is over; cats hairs in the king's dish; website R.i.P.; nothing now can ever come to any good; the Lazarus-like resurrection; ultra-violet biryani; "Oh, there's a pretty red one"; Happy New Year Lily, Happy New Year Everyone.